


New Beginnings

by Amahami



Series: Recovery [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Heroin, Human Castiel, M/M, Mental Hospital, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Sex Toys, Sign Language, Suicidal Ideation, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-03-23 11:43:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3766810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amahami/pseuds/Amahami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to The Learning Curve: What happens after Castiel's latest suicide attempt?</p><p>ABANDONED. Explanation below.</p><p>Note: Because of my improved emotional wellbeing (and the fact that it's super easy for me to spiral), I needed to stop writing this. Chapter 8 is chapters 8 through wherever I ended, because I am unable to continue but didn't want to leave you guys wondering. I don't know how it ends though so... </p><p>Chapter 9 is all of my TLC/NB notes. Hopefully that helps tie up any loose ends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Lots of talk about suicide/suicidal ideation.
> 
> Please read The Learning Curve before you read this. It'll make a lot more sense.
> 
> Thank imthetitanic for me posting this a whole day earlier than I had planned... She has an iron grip on my willpower! So here it is, the first chapter of the sequel. Enjoy!

Castiel woke up to something poking his arm. He opened his eyes and went to rip it out, when he saw that it was an IV. Those should be ripped out never. So he did not. He let it be and looked around him. It appeared to be night time. The last thing he remembered was stepping off his bed with a noose around his neck. So what happened?

His breathing was laboured as he struggled to find the nurse call button. His throat was raw and it felt like he was dying. He pressed the button and half a minute later, a nurse came in.

“Don’t speak. Your father said you know Sign Language so they assigned a nurse that knows it. I am that nurse, my name is Joann Tedium. How are you feeling?”

_“Throat hurts. Happen what?”_

“You don’t remember?”

_“Remember rope around-neck… Fell asleep. Where here?”_

“I don’t know the whole story, but someone found you and called 911. They rushed you here, to the Pontiac General Hospital. They weren’t sure if you were going to make it… But you did, obviously. You’re a very lucky man, Castiel.”

_“I sleep long?”_

“Three days. Once the doctor checks you over and deems you stable enough to see visitors, I can take requests for who you want in here. I’ll be right back.” The woman walked away in her sensible sneakers and came back a few minutes later with a tall, handsome doctor.

“Hello there, Castiel. How are you feeling?”

Joann translated what Castiel signed, which was _“Throat hurts, hungry, fine.”_

“Alrighty then! Let’s check your vitals…” The doctor checked his blood pressure, heart rate, heart, and pupil dilation.

“You seem good enough to have visitors! Who would you like?”

_“My brother here?”_

Joann smiled, “From what I’ve been told, you have many brothers. Which one would you like to see?”

_“B-A-L-T-H-A-Z-A-R.”_

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

_“Deaf brother.”_

“Okay, I can do that.” She walked away and came back several minutes later, with Balthazar in tow.

Upon seeing Castiel, Balthazar rushed to Castiel’s side and looked at him sadly, _“Why?”_

_“Justin dead. Not want live.”_

_“Past we chat about Justin! You know I care. Why continue want death?”_

_“Life hard.”_

_“You think my life easier? I Deaf, idiot. Not hear. That hard. Our brother dead. That hard. If you dead, can’t live. Nope. You want Deaf? You want almost zero community because gay? Your life hard, true, but mine too. We must continue live. Can’t chose. No decision.”_

_"Not matter. Happen what?”_

_“Dean remember you should not alone, went see you okay…”_ Balthazar took a deep breath, _“You there… Ceiling… Hanging. You must live, Castiel. I love you. Past you promise me you try live… You not.” _He shook his head, _“Go tell Dean you want him. Okay?”_

Castiel nodded to Balthazar, who then left.

Dean came in apprehensively, afraid of what he would find, “C-Castiel?”

Cas’ face lit up when his eyes landed on his beautiful boyfriend, “ _Hey sweetheart. How you?”_

“How am I? Cas, you’re the one on the hospital bed after a suicide attempt. Why the fuck would you do that, anyway?!”

Castiel shrugged half-heartedly, _“Not know.”_ His hands made some half-signs but stopped before they could be understood, _“Not want live after Justin die. No point continue live.”_

“There’s every point you son of a bitch! What the hell am I, huh? And your brothers Gabe and Balthazar? Huh? And you promised Veronica you’d be there if she needed someone. What happens if she needs you and you’re dead! Huh?” Dean bit back angrily.

_“Dean, please”_

“No, Castiel. No. I am leaving now that you’re okay. I haven’t been home since I brought you in. I need some decent sleep and a shower. Who am I sending in? Your dad or Gabe?”

 _“Gabriel._ ” Cas signed.

“Small? Do you mean Gabriel?”

 _“G-A-B-E sign name Gabriel”_ (Gabriel being small with fingers pinching together to enunciate the ‘small’ part of the sign)

Dean chuckled, “Okay, I’ll go get shortstuff.”

Castiel took a few deep breaths, though it hurt his throat considerably, getting prepared for Gabriel’s shit. There was no way he was getting out of this easily. He was not looking forward to it, but it was easier than facing his father, who would undoubtedly be shrunk in on himself and very quiet… He disliked being involved in his childrens’ lives in such an intimate way, but… Castiel sighed and stopped his train of thought.

He really needed to pee. He went to get up carefully, but then remembered that he has an IV in and something going into it, so he couldn’t really get up… He pressed the nurse call button again. A different nurse came in and he asked the nurse, “ _Need go-to bathroom. How do?”_

“Uhhh, sorry, the nurse that knows Sign Language is busy with another patient. Do you need to go to the bathroom?” Castiel nodded and the nurse sighed, “Alright, do you just need to pee?”

Castiel nodded his head, and the nurse continued, “Okay, so just pee into this.” He handed Castiel a long cup-type thing, “I’ll turn my back, you do your thing, and just… I dunno, make some noise when you’re done.” He turned away and Castiel did his business.

He followed Sam’s lead and snapped several times before the nurse turned around and took the urine holder. He took it, examined it, and wrote on his chart. Then he went to the bathroom and put it in the toilet, flushed, and rinsed out the cup.

He brought it back to Castiel and set it on the floor next to his bed, “It’s here when you need it again.”

Castiel nodded and the nurse left, and he bumped into Gabriel on his way out.

“oh, I’m sorry sir.”

“You’re good.” Gabriel responded, walking into the room completely, “Hey bro! How you doin’?”

_“Awesome.”_

“Hey, don’t be like that, Cassie. You know you love me! So, is the food here any good?”

 _“Not yet eat. Dad, he okay?”_ Castiel worried visually.

“Of course not you stupid, idiotic moron. His son tried to kill himself…why the hell would he be okay?”

Castiel took a deep, wheezy breath, _“You right. Me? Stupid. Know that. Sorry. Brothers know?”_

“Unfortunately, they do. They’re waiting to be called in, too.”

_“Wish Raphael here. Miss him.”_

“Me too, bro, me too. I’m going to send Dad in now, because we were told to make it quick in here. They don’t know how long you’ll be able to stay awake, but they don’t think very long. So I’m going to go so that you can get to talk to Dad. Stay safe, Bro. Got that? No more suicide bullshit. I know life sucks, Cassie. I get that. But ending your life is not the way to go. No Bueno. You talk to someone. Anyone. Please.”

_“Of course, Gabriel. Ready for Dad now.”_

“You got it! Here’s your phone, by the way. Nobody wanted you to have it, but dude, if you don’t have your phone, how the hell will you contact someone if you need it? So don’t turn it on unless you need it. And hide it from Dad.”

_“Thank you. You know me. You awesome! I love you.”_

“Love you too. Better take some deep breaths, who knows how Dad will come in.” Castiel nodded at that, and Gabriel turned and walked out the door.

A few minutes later, G.W. walked in and interrupted Castiel’s downward spiralling thoughts, “Hello, Castiel. How are you?”

_“Throat hurts.”_

“Why?” Castiel’s father asked solemnly.

_“Why what?”_

“You know what, Castiel James.” The shorter man warned.

Castiel shrugged lightly, _“Don’t know… Not want continue live. Hard. Why God kill Justin? Mom? Raphael? They good people! Justin young!”_

“You think I don’t know how hard this is?! I watched your mother bleed out **in my arms.** I couldn’t do a single **damn thing. Do you know how that feels? I don’t fucking think so.** And do you want to know what else? It’s awful, knowing that not one, but two of your sons think they are worthless. One of them died with cuts on his body and we never knew, Castiel.” He spat his youngest’s name, “After your mother died, I struggled to live. But I did. For you boys. Then after Raphael, it was even harder. I’ve barely been managing. But now you go and do this. How **dare you? How dare you think so little of yourself when I have given everything for you.** Grow up, Castiel, and let me know when you have.” He turned angrily on his heel and walked away.

Castiel couldn’t believe his father was such a jerk. How dare he bring it back to him? Castiel was in the hospital after a fucking **suicide attempt and his father was telling him that HIS life was hard.** He’s so ignorant. How dare he walk in on him and spew his bullshit.

Michael came in next. He was silent as he appraised his youngest brother. It was several minutes before he spoke.

When he finally spoke, he said, “So, Kafsiel, what is going on and why are you being so foolish?”

_“C-A-S-T-I-E-L. Balthazar not tell you happen what? Or Dean?”_

“No they did not, but Kafsiel, why on Earth are you signing? You can speak perfectly fine.”

_“No, can’t. Nurse told me not speak. Past try… Hurt. Sign easy. Speaking awful.”_

“You aren’t Deaf so why the hell would you want to sign?”

“ _Sign language beautiful. Love it. Leave or nice, ok?”_

“Are you threatening me, Little Brother?” Michael sneered.

_“Please, nice you. Please.”_

Michael scoffed, “Fine. Now tell me, why attempt suicide?”

_“Not want live after little boy, J-U-S-T-I-N, die. Past I read him Sign. Why continue live if God awful?”_

“You’re blaming God for your suicide attempt? You sicken me, Kafsiel. I am sorry that I flew all the way here just to find this out. You are screwed up. You are wrong and sickening. I can’t be around you another minute.” Michael grimaced as he took one last look at Castiel and walked out of the room.

Castiel heaved a great sigh and sighed _“Fuck you”_ to Michael’s back. Castiel felt worthless on so many levels. Michael had always refused to call Castiel by his legal name, instead calling him his birth name, Kafsiel, because that is what their mother chose for them. He refused to respect Castiel and his wishes and now he couldn’t even bear to stay in the same room as him… Castiel wondered if he’d be able to kill himself here successfully… He turned on his side and curled into a ball, trying (and failing) not to cry.

He doesn’t know how long he lied there crying on his side, when suddenly there was a gentle, cool hand on his upper arm. Castiel tensed.

“It’s just me, Castiel. What did Michael do to you?” Lucifer inquired quietly.

Castiel turned onto his back so he could see Lucifer, _“continue say K-A-F-S-I-E-L. Tell me (_ I) _wrong, fucked up, can’t stay here with me, wish he not fly here for me.”_

“Listen to me, Cas. He’s a douchebag, okay? He’s a rich douchebag who thinks he’s better than everyone else. Don’t listen to him. I honestly don’t know why he even bothered coming here. He’s not worth your attention, okay? So, will you tell me why you tried to kill yourself?”

Castiel sighed heavily, _“Why everybody ask that?”_

“Because it’s important that we know, so we can help you get better, Little Brother. I don’t doubt that it sucks majorly, being asked the same question over and over and having to answer it… But come on. Last time, right?”

 _“True. Last time. Past J-U-S-T-I-N, boy I read to, he sick. Cancer. He die. Not want continue live if God awful. I fucked up without him (_ Justin) _, why not die? Deserve death._ ” Castiel shrugged lightly.

“Nobody deserves death, Castiel. Not Justin, not you. Not even Michael the douchebag. That’s why I don’t believe in God, Cassie. There is so much bad shit in the world, if there is a God, why the fuck is he just standing on the sidelines? There is so much he could do… Why let the world go to the dumps?”

_“Not know, Lucifer. Not know.”_

“I’m sure you’re incredibly tired, so I’ll let you sleep. I’ll be in the waiting room when you wake up, okay?”

_“Okay. Thank you, Lucifer. I love you.”_

“I love you too, Cas. Get some rest.” Lucifer quietly left the room and Castiel fell into a peaceful slumber.


	2. Suriken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael is a douchebag, I know. I would apologise, but eh. It's true. Thank you to   
> [imthetitanic](http://archiveofourown.org/users/imthetitanic/pseuds/imthetitanic) for a. helping me learn HTML stuff (wow this shit is hard), b. beta-ing for me (and therefore getting a sneak peak), c. giving me ideas, and d. laughing with me while I researched sex toys. Thanks babe! <3  
> I REALLY HATE HTML!!!! D: The end note took me over thirty minutes to do.

Lucifer walked into the waiting room and went up to Michael, “Why the **fuck** would you tell him that? He tried to commit suicide and you **tell him that he’s fucked up and you can’t even stay in the same room as him? He hates himself so much as it is! Why the hell do you think he tried to kill himself Michael?** ”

“He tried to kill himself because he was tired of God not caring about his poor helpless self. He was pitying himself and he needs to realise that that will get him nowhere in life.”

“He is trying to cope with a five year-old’s death, you moronic asshole! You show him you love him, not tell him how stupid he is or whatever it is that you so foolishly told him.

“All I did was tell him the truth, **Lucifer.** ”

Lucifer decided to try a new tactic, “Why do you still call him Kafsiel? That hasn’t been his legal name in ten years!”

Michael shook his head and said, with venom in his voice, “His name is the last gift our mother gave us before she left us. How dare he change it? How dare Father let him?!” Michael stormed out of the waiting room.

Lucifer took a deep breath and sank into one of the waiting room’s chairs.

__

Gabriel went to Balthazar’s room once he got back from the hospital with everyone other than Lucifer. The door was ajar, so he opened it slightly and flickered the lights. Balthazar turned towards Gabriel.

_“What’s up?”_

_“Need tell you something important. About Mom.”_

_“Someone find her?”_ Balthazar asked, excited.

_“No, sorry. Dad told me past happen… Awful. You want know?”_

_“Of course, stupid! She my mom too!”_

Gabriel sighed, _“Alright. V-A-M-P-I-R-E kill Mom.”_

Balthazar scoffed, _“Yeah, of course, me angel. Not real, Gabriel. You know that. Really happen what?”_

_“Not joking. V-A-M-P kill Mom. Dad kill it. And D-E-M-O-N and ghost… Really, Balthazar.”_

_“You read?”_ Balthazar asked Gabe.

_“Yes, but you ask me why?”_

_“Book called S-U-P-E-R-N-A-T-U-R-A-L. Two boys, their dad kill bad thing. Example, vampire, ghost, D-E-M-O-N… You read them right?”_

_“Past never heard it.”_

_“Joking, right?”_ Balthazar looked at his brother suspiciously.

_“No. Why you not understand I not lie!”_ Gabriel stood up and pointed angrily at Balthazar, _“Future, you understand I not joking. Not now. V-A-M-P kill Mom, Dad hold her, she die. Think I lie, fine. But true!”_ Gabriel stalked out of the room and downstairs.

Michael was watching golf on the television in the living room. Gabriel sat next to him.

“Hey Mike?”

“It’s Michael. What?”

“I found out something about Mom.”

Michael paused the tournament with the remote and turned to Gabriel, “Well? Tell me you uncultured, uneducated, porky prick.”

Gabriel stood up to walk away, when Michael’s hand wrapped tightly around his wrist, “No, **Gabriel** , you aren’t going **anywhere.** You tell me what happened to our mother.”

“Why should I, Mikey? Hmmm? You treat me and everyone else like a pile of horse shit, so why should I tell you what happened to Mom? And Balthazar didn’t believe me, so why would you? I was just trying to be nice and tell you what I knew. But you know what? I am not going to tell you, Señor Douchebag. Nope.” Gabriel went to wrench his hand free of his brother’s grasp, but his brother tightened his grip.

“You tell me what happened to Mother or so help me God…” Michael threatened.

“You want God to help you do whatever crap you have planned for me? And you thought Cassie was bad in blaming God, when people like you exist? Now let me go, Michael.” Gabriel said, eerily calm.  
  
“I am not letting you go until you tell me what happened to Mother.”

“Fine, but don’t you dare hurt me when you think I’m lying, just like Balthazar.” Gabriel stated, a vicious warning tone underneath the seemingly calm warning.

Michael nodded, and Gabriel said, “Mother and Father hunted the supernatural together. You know, demons, vampires, ghosts, that kind of stuff. One day, shortly after Castiel was born, they went to hunt down a nest of vamps. One got to Mom. Dad couldn’t kill the vamp in time and there was nothing he could do to staunch the bleeding. She bled out in his arms.”

“Yeah, okay. Whatever you say. Tell me when you decide to tell the truth.” Michael seethed.

“I warned you, Michael.” Gabriel hissed and kicked Michael in the crotch. Michael let out a very feminine screech as he fell forward to cover himself from any further attack, letting go of his arm. Gabriel walked back to his room, where he laid down on his bed and tried to figure out a way to tell Lucifer without him believing Gabriel to be lying.

He fell asleep trying to figure it out.

__

Dean sat on Cas’ bed, freshly showered, and sighed. He didn’t know what to do without Castiel there. Unfortunately, he only had one thing _to_ do: what he was told.

He began by taking out Castiel’s top dresser drawer. He carefully unfolded everything from it and found two box cutter razors hidden within his clothes. Dean set them on the top of the dresser, put everything not dangerous back into the drawer where he had found it.

He went to the second drawer. It contained carefully folded t-shirts, which Dean shook out. He shook one out a little too hard, though, and a box cutter came flying at his face. He ducked and narrowly avoided getting his sight removed.

_Shit. I need to be more careful. How many of these motherfuckers does Cas have, anyway?_

He finished the drawer, put the blades on top of the dresser, and did his best to fold the clothes the way he found them. Once everything looked mostly like it was before he’d gone through it, he replaced the drawer and took out the third one.

This had neatly folded trousers, except to one side everything was slightly wrinkled. He lifted up the wrinkled trousers and saw a box. The box said it contained one-hundred box cutter blades, but there were only ten in there. _Shit. I have to find one hundred of these little sons of bitches?_

He sighed and left the room, walking sadly to Gabriel’s room. He knocked tentatively.

Gabriel groaned, “Come in.”

Dean opened the door a bit, “Gabe? If you aren’t busy, I could really use your help.”

Gabriel sat up groggily, becoming alert very rapidly, “With what?”

“You know how your father asked me to go through Cas’ stuff and find anything dangerous, right?”

“Mmhmmm…” Gabriel prompted, gesturing for Dean to continue.

“Well, I found a mostly empty box of box cutters… There’s supposed to be one hundred. There are only ten in the box… Could you help me look for them all?”

Gabriel nodded and stood up, stretching and popping his back and then followed Dean back to Castiel’s room.

“Could you work on, I dunno, anywhere other than the dresser?”

“Bedside tables and under the bed it is!” Gabriel immediately pulled the top bedside table drawer out and went through it, as Dean pulled out the second-to-last drawer from the dresser in front of him. There were only panties on top. Two black lacy thongs, boyshorts with red lace except for the waistband which was black with white polkadots, pink leopard g-string with matching top, leopard thong with lace, white thong with ribbons, black polka dots, and a black ribbon in the front, two solid skimpy-looking panties (red and purple), three pairs of lacy skimpy-looking panties (purple, black, and red/black), a pair of lacy mini-shorts, a pair of blue striped mini-shorts, net camo shorts, striped mesh boxers, a pair of sheer black lace stockings, and a pair of pink lacy boyshorts. Dean also found a beautiful silky blue nightgown and a red corset.

Beneath those was flavoured lube, an intro to anal kit (Dean’s flaccid penis began to turn into a erection at this point, after imagining Cas doing these things), a video guide to prostate pleasure, a “better” video guide to anal pleasure, an expert’s video guide to anal sex, a video guide on anal play for men, and anal lube.

Below those, he found shuriken (throwing star)-shaped …something. He chucked one at Gabriel’s head and it hit his temple dead-centre. Gabriel’s eyebrows crunched as if wondering what just happened, but when he saw what it was, he jumped up and away from it.

“Ew, Dean, don’t throw that shit at me. God, I don’t want to see it!”

Confused, Dean asked, “What is it?”

“It’s a cock ring! God, I had to order them but I never, ever wanted to see it again. Ever!” Gabriel exclaimed, kicking it back to Dean.

“Oh, really? Hm. What’s it do?”

“Oh dear Father who art in Heaven… You don’t know much about sex, do you?”

Dean shrugged, “I knew enough to get me by in the female playing field.”

“Oh honey, you’re gonna have a lesson… After we finish going through his stuff. Please finish that drawer quickly.”

“Of course.” Dean nodded and continued on his educational expedition. There were several rounds of beads, and he picked them up.

“Gabe, what are these?” Gabriel obediently looked over and scrunched his nose.

“You put those on your penis and it feels awesome, don’t get me wrong, but shit. Those are my little brother’s!”

“Yeah, sorry man.” He put them to the side to continue looking.

He found two matching dildos that were shaped similarly to beads melted together. One was small and one was much larger. They were both a pink-purple colour. Then he saw a deep red butt plug. Next to it was, still in the box, “My 1st Anal Explorer Kit.”

He saw several packets of condoms, several flavoured and several had leaves or water on one side of them. A few more had odd flavours like piña colada. _Where the hell did he get these condoms?_

There was something that had a bulb on the end. He turned to Gabriel, hoping he wouldn’t kill him for asking.

“What’s this, Gabe?”

Gabriel sighed and turned around, “It’s a glow in the dark penis pump. I don’t particularly care for it, but it’s said to lengthen your erection as well as feel good. It doesn’t for me, but to each their own.” He shrugged and turned back around.

There were only a few things left in the drawer at this point. One of them was a sleek black curved…thing. It looked terrifying on one end though. It seemed… Spiked.

“Gabriel?”

Gabriel turned around without much complaint and said, “Prostate massager. I personally recommend that one. It is wonderful.” Gabriel grinned and went back to work, again.

Next was another sleek black thing that looked similar to a seesaw? Gabriel turned around, as if reading Dean’s mind.

“Prostate massager. Not my personal favourite, but it’s good to teach you how to do it.” He shrugged, “How many more are left?”

“Three.”

“All right. Pull ‘em out and I’ll briefly explain them.”

Dean blindly grabbed one of them and pulled out… Yeah he decided he wouldn’t even try.

Gabriel chuckled at Dean’s facial expression. He didn’t know what it looked like, but guessed that it would probably look like he was constipated.

“It’s a butt plug with an attached cock ring. Extra intensity, longer activity time before climax.”

The second-to-last one he pulled out was pink and looked like vines, “It’s a cage. A soft cage, but a cage nonetheless. It feels really good, especially when you turn the bullet vibrator on the top on.”

And, finally, Dean pulled out an absolutely ridiculous penis-butt thing. Dean started laughing hysterically.

“What’s so funny?” Gabriel asked, entertained.

“It just… It looks ridiculous! It has a tiny ass but a normal sized penis. It just…” He held his stomach laughing.

“You get the pleasure of insertion into an anus while also getting the pleasure of whacking. I laughed when Castiel asked for it.”

“Wait, wait a second.” Dean held his hands (one still holding the ridiculous dildo/fleshlight thing) up in a wait gesture, “Cas asked **you** for it?”

“Yeah, he comes to me whenever he wants a new sex toy or something. I buy them for him.”

“Why?” Dean asked, not understanding why a big brother would do that.

“Because he’s my little brother and I’d rather he teach himself what he does and doesn’t like than some stranger he decided to sleep with to get this experience.”

“That’s a really good idea.” He said and turned back to the drawer, sighing, as he put everything back as close as he could remember it to be.

It took forever, but he finally finished and moved onto the last drawer. It contained only socks. He went through them and found several razors. He piled them all on top of the dresser after he put the drawer back together. Altogether in the dresser, he found thirty-two.

“Gabe, are you almost done?”

“Yeah, just need to finish the last of this drawer.” He called from the other side of the bed.

Dean waited patiently for Gabriel to finish. When he did, he counted out the blades and set them on the top of the dresser.

Together, they found sixty-seven blades. That left twenty-three.

“Where else could he have hidden them?” They both looked around the room and searched every nook and cranny. They did not find any more blades.

“Well, he won’t be coming home for at least another week, so we can worry about it tomorrow. It’s getting late. Get some sleep, Dean. You need it.”

“Thank you, Gabe. See you in the morning.” He said as Gabriel left Cas’ room. He closed the door, shut the light off, and snuggled into Cas’ side of the bed to just smell him. He fell asleep enveloped in the smell of his boyfriend.

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	3. I'm done naming chapters: this sucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken so long to update this... I came out as agender to my family and they refuse to call me Ryan (my chosen, gender neutral name) or use my pronouns (they/them/their). I've been struggling with emotions surrounding my family's rejection. Thank you so much  
> [imthetitanic](http://archiveofourown.org/users/imthetitanic/pseuds/imthetitanic) for helping me through this time. She has helped me so, so much through this process. Thank you. <3  
> If there is a want for links to the sex toys in this chapter, let me know and I'll link you to them.  
> Ryan

He woke up to the early morning light shining into his eyes. Castiel groaned and opened his eyes. He looked around and saw the hospital walls. He really wished it had all been a dream. He pressed the nurse call button.

A nurse came in and said, “Good morning, Castiel. You’re being released from the hospital today. Do you want some breakfast?”

“Yes, please” He spoke and only noticed a moderate amount of pain to his throat.

“It’ll be best if you sign for another day or two. I know it will make everything harder, especially where you’re going. Anyway, the doctor wants you to stick to gentle foods today. Soft foods. Nothing too hard. How about some oatmeal for breakfast?”

_“Seems okay. Yes, please.”_

“Alright, I will go put that order in for you. Do you want your brother… What’s his name, Luke? In here with you?”

_“Of course, yes, please. Thank you.”_

“No problem.” The nurse walked away.

A few minutes later, Lucifer came into his room, “Morning Cas. How are you feeling?”

 _“Better. Speak_ (a) _little, now. Doctor told me sign only. One or two days. Family okay?”_

“I don’t know. I haven’t gone home. All I know is Michael went home fuming and being a douchebag and Gabriel was helping Dean out. And the little brother, Sam, was it? Someone has to bring him here for physical therapy today.”

_“Nurse told me I go different place, not home. Where go?”_

“Father has decided it is time for you to be committed to a mental hospital, Castiel.”

_“Not want go! Help me! Not want, not want, not want!”_

“Nothing I can do, Cassie. I’m sorry. Besides, I think it’ll be for the best. You’ll get the help you need.” Lucifer smiled half-heartedly.

At that time, a nurse came in with a bowl of oatmeal. Castiel pulled his table over and began to eat.

“Cas, promise me you’ll try to get better. Please.” Lucifer begged, full of worry.

“ _Try. Promise.”_ Castiel nodded and slowly ate his breakfast.

“How are you feeling, Cas?” Lucifer asked softly.

Castiel looked up and saw Lucifer staring at him with a soft, but guarded, expression on his face.

 _“So-so. Scared._ (what) _if—“_

“Nope. Stop that train of thought right there, Castiel. I will let you go no further. I know it’s hard, Castiel, but you need to stop thinking about all of the possibilities. You will be fine. And no, you’re not a failure.” Lucifer said, knowing what Castiel was about to sign.

“It’s only seven. Sam won’t be here until eleven. What do you want to do until then?”

_“Don’t know. chess board here?”_

“I’ll go look.” Lucifer said, and came back several minutes later with a chessboard. He set it up and crawled onto Castiel’s bed to play.

__

When Dean awoke, he was alone in bed. He sighed and rolled over to smell Castiel’s pillow. It smelled so good.

He rolled out of bed and went downstairs after going to the bathroom, for he was hungry.

Gabriel was waiting downstairs for him with a smirk on his face, “I’m going shopping today, and you’re coming with me. Eat and get dressed. Chop, chop!” He said, standing.

“I’m taking a shower and you better be ready to go by the time I’m out.” With that, he walked away.

Dean put bread in the toaster to get ready for the day. He wondered what was in store and how he would get shopping done in an hour, as Sam had his physical therapy appointment.

His toast popped up and he grabbed it, buttered it, and ate it in silence while sipping on a mug of coffee. Once he finished, he went upstairs and got dressed. He had just finished slipping his socks on when someone knocked on his door.

“Yeah?” Dean asked through the door.

“You better be ready.” Gabriel said in a threatening tone.

“Other than shoes, I am.” Dean said as he got up and opened the door. Gabriel raised an eyebrow, as if he was impressed. Dean followed Gabe down the stairs. They both slipped their shoes on and walked out the door.

Sam was waiting next to the car, enjoying the sunshine. His head was tilted toward the sun, with his eyes closed.

“He’s going with us?” Dean asked.

Gabriel tilted his head side to side a few times, before he said, “Not exactly. I’m giving him thirty dollars to spend one whatever he wishes. We’re going to a store he can’t go into.”

Dean’s eyebrows raised in question, but Gabriel didn’t elaborate. He just got in the driver’s side as the two Winchesters worked together to get Sam into the car. Dean was still in his casts, but he was far more mobile than he had been. He was getting the arm cast off in four weeks, and then he’d be able to use crutches.

Once Sam was in the car and strapped in, Dean closed his door and got in the passenger seat. He buckled himself into the jeep and Gabriel drove off to the mall.

The drive was mostly quiet, except for Gabriel’s pop punk playing in the background and the one time Gabriel spoke, “If you say no to a single thing I offer to buy you, Dean Winchester, I will make a big deal in the store. And then proceed to buy it for you anyway. You will answer all of my questions honestly and you will not complain. Do you understand?” Dean had nodded solemnly, wondering what the hell was going on.

They arrived at the mall and Dean helped Sam out of the car and into his wheelchair. Sam rolled off after Gabe gave him the promised thirty dollars.

“Alright, shall we?” Gabriel asked as he led the way into the mall. They walked for a few minutes before they arrived to a store with no windows and a solid door that had a paper that said “18+ Only”

They walked in and saw that the store was divided into sections: Lingerie, anal toys, vaginal toys, masturbators, kinks, and miscellaneous.

“You brought me to a sex shop?” Dean hissed, embarrassed.

“Well, yeah. How else will you be ready to make my brother happy? And I can’t exactly teach you what things are and how to use them with Castiel’s or my own sex toys… So you’re getting your own. First stop, miscellaneous.” Gabriel responded lightly, walking directly to the miscellaneous section. He grabbed a packaged black bulb with a red rod protruding from it.

“What’s an ultra douche?” Dean asked, embarrassed.

“Explanations come later. If you see something you want, let me know.”

“Alright…” Dean replied nervously. There was so much! But it was also so expensive.

Gabriel picked up two bottles of lube, one for anal use and one for personal use. Both were water-based.

“What section do you want to go to next?” Gabriel said, turning to Dean.

“Lingerie.”

“Alright, let’s go!” The two of them made their way to the lingerie section, “Dean, you find a few that you like, and I’ll find a few that Cas will like.”

Dean nodded and looked through where to begin. He saw a really hot looking pair of fishnet briefs and picked them up. He thought they would look great on him, so he continued to hold it while looking. Next, he saw a shiny looking pair of boxers. They looked awesome! So he picked them up, too. He didn’t think he’d find anything he’d like in the thong section, but he did. It was called a Forest Thong or something like that. All he knew was that it looked amazing and he wanted them. He wasn’t sure why he was listening to Gabriel so much… But hey, if someone else insisted on buying and told him not to fuss about it (along with a decent threat), he had no choice. He had to play along. Might as well have fun doing it.

He walked back over to Gabe, who had placed in the basket a bright purple pair of tight fitting boxers, a bright green pair of briefs, a glow in the dark green checkered pair of briefs, and a nice green pair of long boxers.

“What’s with all the green?” Dean asked.

“They match your eyes.” Gabe said simply and moved onto the next section: anal toys.

Dean followed and saw something called “The Assifier” and picked it up. It was a butt plug (he could guess what that was) and it was the colour of Castiel’s eyes. He set it in the cart as stealthily as he could manage. Gabriel still noticed, and smiled softly, that he was allowing Gabriel to do this for him.

Gabriel picked up a package of anal beads. There were three sets. One small, one large, one huge. Or so Dean though. He caught the word “trainer” on the box.

Dean saw something that was glow-in-the-dark, so he picked it up. It looked interesting, so he put it in the basket. It was shaped kind of like a T and it vibrated.

Gabriel picked up a “Beginner’s Prostate Stimulator” and Dean asked, “Doesn’t Cas have that?”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and answered, “Yeah, he does. But you need your own. I personally love it.” Gabriel grinned to Dean.

Dean picked up a vibrating mini pleasure probe. It looked like it could be a lot of fun. It was the colour of demon smoke. He loved it and set it gently into the basket, and then he saw a Titan Men Tools Master Tool and it was two different ‘tools.’ One was for beginners and one was not. He set them in the basket as well.

Gabriel picked up a Colt brand thing that looked a bit scary, like a T but hooked up to something, and Gabriel said, “My personal favourite. You need to try this.” He put it into the basket.

Dean picked up a dark blue (‘aqua marine’) medium butt plug. It was another beautiful shade of blue that reminded him of Castiel’s eyes. He set it in the basket gently.

Gabriel grabbed a ribbed vibrator that he knew Dean would like and set it in the basket which wouldn’t fit anything else, “Dean could you please go grab another basket?”

Dean nodded and went to get another basket. While he was gone, he went to the cock rings section. Dean met back up with him and was asked to choose a package. He chose a package of black and clear ones that looked more like weapons than something pleasurable.

Lastly, Gabriel led Dean over to the dildo section, “Choose a dildo, Dean.”

Dean immediately gravitated to the ‘celestial jelly dong’. It was an ice blue and he needed it. He felt like he did, anyway. So he put it in the basket and they headed up to the front of the store.

The cashier rang up all the items and said the total. Dean’s eyes bugged out and he said, “What?”

The cashier repeated, “three eighty-seven ninety-six.” Gabriel just pulled out his wallet and paid in cash.

“Gabriel, where did you get all that money?”

“I **do** work, Dean-o.” He said as he took his change, “Take your bags.”

Dean obediently took the bags and they walked together out of the store.

Gabriel took out his phone and called Sam. Once he picked up, Gabriel said, “We’re headed to the food court now. Take your time.” And then he hung up.

The two of them made their way to the food court, and Sam was already there, sipping a smoothie.

“So, Sam, what’d you get?” Gabriel asked excitedly as he sat down.

“ _This,”_ He pointed to the smoothie, “ _3_ _new C-O-M-I-C. You two?”_

Gabriel just shook his head, “No can tell, Sammy-boy. Sorry. Are you about ready for your appointment?”

Sam nodded. Dean asked if he could push the chair, and Sam nodded to that as well. Dean began pushing the wheelchair out of the mall. The three of them piled back into the car and headed to the hospital.

When they arrived there, Dean climbed out and got Sam into his wheelchair. Sam wheeled himself to physical therapy, and Dean headed up to where Castiel was.

He knocked on the door and a pleasant male voice said, “Come in.”

Dean opened the door and walked into the room. Lucifer was sitting at the end of Castiel’s bed, and they were playing Sorry. Lucifer was red and he only had one more pawn to get into ‘home,’ and Castiel was blue, and he had three more to get into ‘home.’

Castiel looked up and a smile took over his beautiful face, “ _Hey sweetheart. How you?”_

“I’m pretty damn good, how are you?”

_“So-so. Lucifer help me. He awesome! You do what today?”_

Dean grinned, “Your brother took me shopping.”

Castiel’s eyes widened, _“Food, clothes… what?”_

Dean blushed and looked away.

Castiel sighed, _“Sorry for Gabriel.”_

“Nah, it’s fine, Cas. It was pretty fun. I’m looking forward to getting home.” Dean winked and Lucifer took that as his cue to leave.

 _“Dummy. Horny now.”_ Castiel sighed.

“I’m sorry, Cas… Can we play Sorry?”

“ _Of course. Colour you want, which?”_

“I dunno, what colour should I have?”

_“Green. Same your eyes.”_

“Alrighty then!” Dean said and they set up and began to play.

A couple of hours later, Sam entered the room. Once Dean and Cas were looking at him, he signed, _“Hey you two. Dean, tired. Please we go?”_

“Yeah, Sammy. Sorry Cas, you know how Sam is after P.T.”

Castiel nodded, “ _I understand. See you two later! I love you Dean.”_

“I love you too, Cas.” He leaned down and pecked Cas on the lips and walked to his brother and asked if he could push the wheelchair. Sam nodded and he wheeled them out. Gabriel was still waiting for them in the car.

He drove them back to his house in silence, before telling Dean, “I expect you in my room as soon as you get Sam situated.”


	4. Lessons ;D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is hard and I am struggling to write because of it... I am so sorry. I keep relapsing and life is hard... I'm doing my best here. Anyway, here's a fun chapter! ;D

Once they got home, Dean laid Sam down to take a nap and set a glass of water on the coffee table that was within reach. Then he hobbled up the stairs (he was getting much better at it) and knocked on Gabriel’s door.

“Who is it?” Gabriel sing-songed.

“Me.”

“Who’s me?”

Dean rolled his eyes, “Dean.”

“Come on in, Dean-o!” Gabe said, and Dean opened the door. All the things that had been bought were organised in some mysterious way on the floor. In front of Gabriel was a very realistic-looking man from belly button to mid-thigh.

“Where’d that come from?” Dean asked, sitting down on the floor next to Gabriel.

“I bought it quite a while ago. It’s completely clean though. I am going to use it as a demonstration instead of you or I. First things first: douching.” Gabriel picked up the ultra douche and took it out of its package.

“You fill it with warm water, then put some water-based lube on it like this,” Gabriel slathered lube onto the end of the red tube, “and gently insert it. You press the bulb then remove it, **then** let go of the bulb. Make sure you’re over a toilet or in a tub for this. It can get pretty dirty. But don’t do it too often or you’ll never be able to shit without a douche again.”

Dean grimaced, and Gabriel soothed his fears, “No, you’re good, man. I’ve done it several times and I can still do it without a douche. I just wanted to warn you not to be excessive.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Next up is the preparation to do anything with your ass.” Gabriel squirted lube onto his fingers and rubbed the outer rim of the fake man’s anus. He gently slipped his finger in and moved it around carefully. He slid in a second finger and just pumped. Then he started to scissor his fingers.

“The more lube, the better. And make sure you relax while you’re doing anything down there okay? When you are finally ready, lube up the toy,” he grabbed the beginner’s prostate stimulator, “and slowly insert the toy. Then play around with it and find what feels good. This goes for any toy. Do you want me to demonstrate anything more for you?”

Dean looked down in embarrassment, “Yeah, please do it with a cock ring, butt plug, and the beads.”

Gabriel nodded, “Cock rings are used to extend your erection and prevent you from coming. But when you do come, it’s more intense than usual. You just slip it on. Now, the butt plug, you prep yourself, lube up the plug like so…” He lubed it up, “and slowly insert it.” It slid into the fake man easily.

“You can leave it in and go about your daily life, sometimes receiving a sudden jolt of pleasure from it brushing against your prostate and keeping you prepped for when you want to have sex, or you can play with it. Up to you.” Gabriel removed the plug from the fake man’s ass, then grabbed the smallest of the anal training beads.

“You lube this up completely,” He did as he said, “then slowly put them into you. You can play with them or whatever, and they slowly bring you up to the size you want. To take them out you just pull on the cord gently and they will slip out.” He slipped the beads out of the fake ass.

“To clean them you just need to wash them with warm soap and water, dry them, then store them in a dark, dry place. Think you can handle that?” Gabriel finished.

“Y-yeah, I think so… Thank you.” Dean stood up and put all of his stuff into the bags they got from the store and went into the bathroom.

Dean went through and carefully cleaned every one of his toys, then he decided to try one of them. He decided to start with the beginner’s prostate stimulator. He lubed himself up and slowly opened himself, slightly uncomfortable at the sensation. It’s not that it hurt, it just… Didn’t feel good. By the time he had three fingers in, something started to feel good. He had no idea what it was or why it felt good, though.

He slowly inserted the toy and gasped at the feeling. It felt good. Then he started rocking and playing with the toy inside of him, and it brushed very often over what he assumed was his prostate. He gasped and was already close to coming, and he hadn’t even touched himself!

Dean rocked harder and faster and suddenly he was coming on his shirt-covered chest. He breathed heavily and slowly removed the toy. He just laid back for a few minutes, basking in the post-orgasmic bliss.

He stood up, wet a washcloth, and carefully cleaned himself. Then the toy. He got dressed, took his shirt off, grabbed his bags, and ran to Castiel’s room.

He locked the door behind him and tossed the shirt in the hamper and pulled on a new one. Then he took his new toys over to the bedside table on his side of the bed. He organised the bottom drawer of the table in a similar order to Castiel’s sex drawer. He separated the toys into butt plugs, other anal stuff, and cock rings. Atop them all, he put his new lingerie. There was one piece that was pink and frilly, though, that he didn’t remember seeing.

There was a note attached to the panties:

_Give them a shot. –G_

Dean sighed and went over and locked the door. He took his pants and boxers off and pulled the panties on. The fabric felt amazing on his cock and he was starting to get hard, so he imagined Bobby dancing naked. He cringed. He probably didn’t need to go that far. But fuck! They felt amazing!

He decided to wear them around the house for the day, just to see what it was like. He was only ‘giving them a shot’, after all.


	5. Looking Forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating in so long... my mental health has deteriorated rapidly and I am working on checking myself into a mental hospital, hopefully sometime this week. I haven't been able to do almost anything for quite a while, but I am trying, and I think about you guys every day. I am so, so sorry I'm not good at updating. I have up to chapter 10 or 11 written but even uploading it is a lot more than I can usually do... But here you go. Please enjoy.
> 
> Ryan (I came out as agender about a month ago and now go by Ryan)

The following morning, Lucifer signed Castiel out of the hospital and led him to his new car, a shiny 2002 Chevy Impala. It seemed funny to Castiel, so he began to laugh.

“Uh, Castiel, why are you laughing?” Lucifer glanced suspiciously towards his youngest brother.

“Dean drives a ’67 Impala. You drive an ’02 Impala. Isn’t that hilarious?” Castiel asked.

“No, Cas, it’s not. Come on, get in the car, time to go to ‘Looking Forward.’”

Castiel got in and asked, “Where?”

“The mental hospital. I truly am sorry you have to go, but you do.” Lucifer sighed, buckling up and starting the car.

“Lucifer, you could just take me home.” He suggested softly, hopeful diamond eyes looking wide at the driver.

“Castiel, you need to go. You need to get help.” He sighed and turned the engine over and drove out of the parking lot.

“I don’t **want** help, Lucifer! Don’t you understand?” Castiel raised his voice even though his throat was still sore.

“Hey, hey, Castiel, I’m on your side here. Calm down, okay? You do need help and none of us know how to get you that help except for this. It’ll be a short drive. Do you want to stop to get fries or something?” He offered, hoping to console his brother at least a little.

Castiel nodded, “Yes please. Fries sound delicious after the food at the hospital.”

“I do not doubt it, Little Brother. Arby’s?”

“You know me so well, Luci. That sounds perfect. I have had a slight hankering for the curly fries at Arby’s. Thank you, Brother.” Castiel smiled slightly and leaned back into his seat, as Lucifer drove.

The drive to Arby’s was mostly silent, filled only by Lucifer humming classical music. When they arrived, Lucifer pulled into the drive thru and ordered two large fries. He went to the first window, paid, and went to the second window to get their orders. He handed one of the packages of fries to Castiel. Cas’ face broke into a huge smile as he grabbed the first long curly fry, tipped his head back, and gently set it in his mouth.

Castiel moaned as the flavour surrounded and squeezed his taste buds. Lucifer shook his head and the journey of the fry was in much the same manner as Castiel. Lucifer groaned pleasantly once the fry was in his mouth.

Castiel and Lucifer turned to each other and said, simultaneously, “Hell yeah.”

They parked in the lot and ate their fries in silence, besides the small sounds of pleasure that would occasionally breach their mouths. Once they finished, they put their cartons back in the bag and Lucifer started the car back up and drove away from the Arby’s.

“Thank you for the fries, Luce.”

“No prob, Cas. I am sorry that you have to go through this hell, but it will make everyone feel better. If not for you, please do it for us. For me, please. I love you, Cas, and I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Lucifer, you left, remember?”

“Castiel, I know I left, and I’m sorry. I needed to get away from the rest of the family. You know I’ll always talk to you. Michael is an annoying prick and thinks he’s so entitled… And Dad threw a fit when I left Judaism, you know that. I know you were only seven, and I was nineteen, but I’m sure you remember that fight.”

Castiel nodded slightly, “I do remember… But is that why you never came back?”

“Yeah, Baby Bro, that’s why I never came back. I thought about it every day, though. I don’t know if I want to go back, now. Not now that I know you don’t hate me.”

“Luce, you are the one who took me out for fries every time someone would get in a fight. You know how often that was… I may have been seven when you left, but I never stopped loving or missing you.” Castiel admitted quietly.

“That means a lot, Cas. I am glad. I love you too. If I move back here, I’ll rent my own apartment and I was thinking of starting a business. You know that recipe of Mother’s that made great doughnuts?” Castiel nodded, “Well I was thinking I could open a bakery. If you wanted, I could give you a job. Once you’re better, I mean.”

Castiel sighed softly, “Please realise that I will never get better. Not completely.”

Lucifer nodded as he turned sharply, “I understand.”

“Okay, then I am willing to work for you.”

Lucifer grinned and turned into a parking lot. Castiel’s smile fell when he saw the sign that read ‘Looking Forward.’

Castiel sighed as Lucifer parked in a space and turned the car off, “Come on man. You can do this. At least for a few days.”

Castiel nodded and, accepting his fate, got out of the car and walked into the building with Lucifer following behind him.

They went up to the receptionist together, “Hello, my name is Castiel Novak and I am here to be checked in.”

“Willingly or not willingly?” The man asked, obviously bored.

“Not willingly.” Castiel answered. The man passed a clipboard with papers on it and a pen to him.

“Please fill these out in their entirety then return when you’ve filled these all out.”

Castiel took the clipboard and the pen and walked to a seat and sat down. It took what seemed like an eternity to fill out the papers, but it was normal doctor paperwork.

After that eternity was over, he stood up and took the clipboard and pen back over to the receptionist, who forcibly smiled at him and began entering it into what was presumably the hospital’s database.

“Please have a seat, one of the nurses will be with you shortly.” He said, and Castiel turned and sat back down next to Lucifer.


	6. New Info

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got out of the mental hospital on Tuesday. I'm feeling a lot better, but my medication makes me sleep most of the day. :( I'm working on sorting that out.
> 
> I owe $5k in college loans and $2k from the mental hospital. These bills are coming in next month and because of my anxiety and depression (as well as fibromyalgia), I cannot get a job. I created a gofundme thing so I can hopefully pay my debts. If you can't donate please at least send this link (http://www.gofundme.com/z2jjha8) to everyone you can.
> 
> Thanks!  
> Ryan

“Castiel Novak?” A nurse called from a doorway. Castiel took one last, pitiful look at Lucifer (who gave him a small smile). He walked over to the nurse, who walked him into the hallway behind the door. Once the door shut, there was a resounding click as the deadbolt locked.

Castiel shivered with nervousness.

The nurse led him to a room with no windows and only one door. There was a camera attached to the wall, however. She sat down at the table’s chair and set her clipboard on it.

“Please tell me why you’re here.” Her voice was surprisingly soothing, so he answered without hesitation.

“I tried to kill myself. My boyfriend apparently found me in time to save me.” The nurse nodded and made a note. She asked a few more questions, and then told him, “Please remove your clothes.”

“Wh-what? Why?” Castiel stammered, fear overtaking him.

“I need to make sure you have no contraband and I need to catalogue all of the marks on your body.”

He sighed but nodded and began removing his clothes. She catalogued all of his cuts and bruises, then told him to put his boxers back on. He was then given scrubs to wear.

“Why must I wear these ugly things?” Castiel asked in reference to the pale blue and green clothing in his hands.

“It is the rule, here. First twenty-four hours, you wear the scrubs so everyone knows you’re new and to keep an eye on you. You can wear your own clothes, if they are without strings, metal, or anything sharp. It’s time for you to go in. Let’s go.” She said and stood up. He followed her past two more doors that she had to swipe her card to get into.

Finally, they made it to wherever it was that he needed to go. There was a mural on one of the walls, and the rest of the walls were a light purple colour.

“This is your room,” The nurse said, pointing to one of the twenty or so doors lining the walls. It had two beds in it, a series of cubbies, a sink, a piece of metal that reflected you back (sort of), and a door that led to a small bathroom. The door had no lock. Neither of the doors of the room did.

Castiel nodded, “Okay, thank you. What am I supposed to do?”

“Right now, it’s quiet time. It just started, so you have an hour before you can come out. You just have to relax or read. You have no roommate so you don’t need to know this yet, but you’re not supposed to talk during this time, either. Choose your bed and relax.” She said and left the room, leaving the door wide open.

Castiel heaved a great sigh and laid down on the bed closest to the door. This would be a miserable place, he could feel it.

__

Lucifer arrived back at his old house. Everyone was waiting at the dinner table for him. His father looked up, “How is he, Lucifer?”

He shook his head at his father as he both spoke and signed, “Not well. He kept pleading to let him go home. He’s going to have a hard time.”

They all nodded in response, “ _Think he okay soon?”_ Sam asked.

“No, it’ll take time. I don’t know how long he’ll be in the hospital, but there will be a lot of healing outside of the hospital. And even then, he won’t heal completely. Not ever. He’ll always need support.” Lucifer replied.

“How do you know that?” Dean asked angrily. He forgot to sign while he spoke, so Lucifer interpreted before answering.

“I’ve been in his position, when I was fourteen. He was very young. I still struggle and still need help. Just ask him what he needs. He’ll tell you if he knows. Just be there for him, basically. He will probably feel very alone and abandoned.”

“When can we visit him?” Dean asked while he signed.

“Two days. In the meantime, you really need to go to back to school. Maybe get Cas’ assignments?” Lucifer asked gently.

__

Late that night, Gabriel snuck out of his room and went downtown. He stood on the corner and waited for a long, chilly forty-five minutes.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” Gabriel muttered under his breath, looking to the pretty lady next to him, “I need to get picked up already!”

The young woman next to him nodded, “Same. My sister has medical bills that need paying.”

“I’m sorry… Same on my end. Except it’s my brother.”

“What’s wrong with him?” she asked him while still looking towards the road.

“Suicide attempt.”

“Ah, I see. My sister has stage two colon cancer.”

“I’m so sorry… I hope you get a good john tonight. Good luck.” He said.

Just a few minutes later, someone pulled up, and both the girl and Gabriel looked expectantly to the man, who said, “I want you, Boy, come in.”

Gabriel smiled gently and nodded, getting into the man’s car.

“So, how much do you charge?”

“Five hundred dollars an hour, as long as you don’t draw blood or make marks unable to be covered up by a t-shirt and boxers. If you do, seven hundred.” Gabriel said bluntly.

“So you are selling yourself?”

Gabriel rolled his eyes; he hated the curious types, “Yeah.”

The man smiled, “In a sexual manner? Why?”

“Yes, in a sexual manor. My brother is in the hospital.”

The man grinned and flipped a switch, and red and blue lights began flashing above his head.

“Shit. Come on, man, my brother is in the hospital! I need the money. Please don’t do this, Sir.” Gabriel pleaded with the man.

“Sorry, I have to put you away. You’ll definitely be staying the night in jail. If this turns out to be your first offense, you’ll probably just have to do some community service and it’ll get erased from your record. If you get caught again… I wouldn’t get caught again. You might have to serve time.” He said, and then proceeded to read Gabriel his Miranda Rights.

When they got to the police station, Gabriel got out of the car and the officer followed him and took his arm, leading him into the station. There, he took everything on Gabriel’s person (phone, wallet, lube, and condoms) and put him into a jail cell.

“Is there anyone we can call to let them know where you are?” The officer asked.

“I’d rather not at this time of night. They don’t even know I’m not in my room, yet.” He admitted.

“Alright then, I’ll get this paperwork started for you…” He checked the wallet in front of him, “Gabriel Arthur Novak.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the link again: http://www.gofundme.com/z2jjha8
> 
> So you know, usually I read the chapter just before I post it, but I am ultra-sensitive to triggers right now, so I didn't. Please let me know if there are any errors.


	7. Money

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter. I apologise for the hiatus, guys. I made a video for you: https://youtu.be/RU1CJcN5m8s

Dean woke up to his phone trilling in his ear. He jumped out of bed with his gun in his hand, and then he realised it was just his phone. He sighed, putting the gun down, and answered his phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi Dean, it’s Gabe. Can you come get me from the police station?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m on my way.” Dean said, hiding his gun and getting dressed, before quickly slipping on his shoes and stealthily making his way out the door. He got into the Impala and drove noisily away, hoping he didn’t wake anyone else up at this ungodly hour of seven in the morning.

He got to the jail and told them he was here to pick up his stupid friend Gabriel. The officer just chuckled and led him to the cells. There were a few other poor souls inhabiting them, and one of them spoke out to him.

“You stupid faggot, you are going to rot in Hell… Both after you die **and before. As soon as I get out, Boy, I am going to—** “

He was cut off when the officer hit him on the head with his baton, “None of that, Winchester. Or I’ll send you to the prison until your arraignment.”

John grunted from the other side and sneered at Dean as he walked away to Gabriel’s cell.

“Hey Dean-o! Thanks for comin’ to rescue me!” he grinned hugely.

“Shut your cakehole and come on.” Dean said once the officer unlocked and opened his cell.

Gabe walked out of the cell and walked past the grumbling John Winchester. Gabriel had to sign a few papers and the officer went over, again, what was to happen.

“Okay, Gabriel Novak, you are going to have to complete 40 hours of community service in the next six months or you will be charged with prostitution. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.” He said softly. Then, he and Dean walked back out to the Impala and got in.

“So, prostitution?” Dean asked Gabe.

Gabriel nodded, “Yeah.”

“Why? You told me you had before, not that you were still doing it. So why?”

“Dean, there is no way we will be able to afford that hospital for Cas. But he needs it. So I’m working extra so I have extra money.”

“I understand, Gabe, but you need to be more careful, man! If anyone finds out, you could lose your job, your family will be pissed, and imagine Cas’ reaction. You remember how awful it was when he found out I was doing it? Imagine him finding out you did it… For him.”

Gabriel shuddered.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now, let’s get you home before anyone wakes up. If anyone is up, you had a hankering for ice cream, so you woke me up like the douche you are and I, being the wonderful person I am, took you to get some of your damned ice cream.” He said as he pulled into the driveway of the Novak house. Gabriel nodded and got out of the car quietly.

They entered the house and G.W. was sitting on the bottom of the steps at the front of the house, waiting for them.

“Where were you, Gabriel?” He asked quietly.

“Out getting ice cream with Dean. Why?”

The man in front of them sighed heavily, “Because I got a phone call from the police station to remind you that your first day of community service is on Saturday. Why would you have to do community service, Gabriel?”

Gabe shook his head, “It doesn’t matter, Dad. Can I just go to bed? I’ve had a long night.”

G.W. stood up and pulled Gabriel into a hug, “It matters to me, Son. I know my reliability is pretty crappy, but I haven’t run away. I am doing my best to feed and clothe you guys. I love you. You’re my sons. Why do you think I don’t care about you?”

“Dad, when was the last time you really noticed anything without it being obvious or someone telling you? You spend so much of your time at work or in your room. I love you too, Dad, but you haven’t been around much since Mom died. Speaking of, Michael and Balthazar don’t believe me when I told them what happened.

If you really want to know what happened, Dad, think about where our money comes from.” Gabriel stepped around his father and fled up the stairs to his own room, where he locked the door and deadbolt. He flopped onto his bed and promptly passed out.

Dean followed Gabriel but stepped into Castiel’s room instead and fell onto his bed. He snuggled up with Castiel’s pillow and thought.

 _Should I help Gabriel get money together for Cas’ hospital stay? I mean, I feel like I should do anything I can to help… But Sam would be pissed and I don’t know how Cas would react… Well, as long as he doesn’t find out, right? When I wake up, I’ll talk to Gabe… And head to school so I can fill out the forms to drop out and get Cas’ homework. For now, I’ll dream of cuddling with my blue-eyed prince. Nope, I didn’t think that. Geez, how gay can I get? Even for a bi guy, I’m pretty damn gay. Just go to sleep, Winchester._ He smiled to himself and fell asleep dreaming of icy blue eyes.


	8. Chapters 8 on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because of my mental state (good but anything can send me spiraling), I cannot write more. I cannot edit it, and I cannot even go into the doc to copy and paste. 
> 
> So. I had a friend ([shilo1364](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shilo1364/pseuds/shilo1364)) go into the document and send me back a doc with only chapter 8 onwards so I could share with you all what I wrote.
> 
> If I need to add tags, please let me know. 
> 
> So without further ado.... Enjoy!

Eight

When Dean woke up, he went to Gabriel’s room and knocked. There was no answer, so he knocked louder. 

“Go ‘way” came a mumble from inside.

“Gabe, let me in. Please. I need to talk to you.” Dean pleaded from outside the door.

“Naaaaaaaaaah” Gabriel seemed drowsy.

“Gabriel Novak let me in this instant!” Dean demanded.

“Nooooo can’t move. Too heavy.”

“Why are you heavy, Gabe? What’s going on?”

“Horse. Alone now. Sleepy time. Gniiiiight.” 

“Horse? You have a—Do you mean heroin? Goddammit Gabe!” Dean ran to his room and grabbed his lock picking kit. He unlocked the knob and tried to open it, but it wouldn’t budge. He couldn’t open the door.

“Shit, Gabe, what the fuck? Why won’t the door open?” Dean yelled through the door. Dean wated a few moments, but when there was no answer, Dean ran out the door and scaled the house (one of the many skills John had taught him over the years). He made it to Castiel’s room and carefully followed the small ledge on the side of the house to Gabriel’s room. He opened the window, which was thankfully unlocked, and entered the room.

Gabriel was pale and stretched out spread-eagle on his bed. There was a used syringe, spoon, and lighter on his bedside table. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and there were many dots in the crook of his arm.

Dean rushed over to Gabriel and shook his shoulder, “Gabe? Gabe, are you okay?”

__

Castiel awoke in the morning with his face dry from crying a large chunk of the night. He still couldn’t believe his family would do this to him. They betrayed him! How dare they? He sighed and someone knocked on his door and opened it fully.

“You have thirty minutes to get dressed and ready for the day. Breakfast is soon. Wake your roommate up.”

“Roommate? I don’t have a—“ He looked over to the bed next to his, “Oh, I suppose I do. Thank you, Nurse.”

He looked over to the redhead in the bed next to him once the nurse left and shook the person’s shoulder gently, “Miss? Wake up, please. It’s time to wake up and I don’t want you to miss breakfast.”

The redheaded girl flicked open her eyes and sat up, “Well hello, who are you?”

“Castiel Novak, and who are you?” He responded with a small smile on his face.

The girl gave him a surprised look before responding, “A-Anna Novak.”

Castiel squinted his eyes and tilted his head, “What? You’re a Novak? Why don’t I know who you are?”

“I don’t know… My father left my mother before I was born. I only know a name. And my mother is not a Novak, so I suppose that’s why we don’t know one-another.” Anna said quietly.

“What is your father’s name, then? I know most of the Novak family by name, so I can probably tell you how we are related.”

“Gabriel Walter—G.W. for short.”

Castiel blinked many times in succession, just staring at Anna blankly.

“What? What’s wrong, Castiel?”

“That… That is  **my** father’s name.” He admitted quietly.

“So we’re… Siblings?” Anna asked. Castiel nodded and walked to the bathroom.

“We must ‘get ready for the day,’ as the nurse said. We cannot change until we’ve been here twenty-four hours or something of that sort.” He said and closed the door.

Once he came out, Anna went in, and he washed his hands. He made his bed and sat carefully on it, when Anna came out and washed her own hands and made her bed.

A nurse came by and told them they could wait in the main room until breakfast, if they were ready. Since they were, they went out into the main room and sat next to each other.

One of the nurses spoke up, “Normally we do not allow a female and a male to sit next to each other. However, seeing as you two are siblings, we are allowing it.” They looked at each other in confusion, but shrugged.

“How old are you, Anna?”

“Sixteen. I turn seventeen in a few months. How old are you?” Anna answered, resting her head in her hand.

“I’m eighteen.”

“Will you tell me about our family?” Anna asked timidly, afraid she was overstepping her bounds. But, really, this is the family she never got a chance to be with. She needed to know what they were like.

“I’m the youngest. Well, I suppose, second-youngest. Then there’s Raphael. He would be twenty-four… He died in a car accident last year.” Castiel shook his head to rid himself of the bad thoughts before continuing, “There’s Gabriel, who is twenty-five. He is  **so** amazing. He has helped me a lot and he is a bit of a trickster, but he’s wonderful. He’s always wanted a little sister, but then Mom died… She died when I was really little. Shortly after I was born, actually. Next is Balthazar, our Deaf brother. He’s twenty-seven and engaged to a really nice guy. He’s working on getting his PhD in psychology. He goes to Gallaudet, the biggest University for the Deaf in the U.S.” He smiled.

“Wait, so does that mean he knows Sign Language?”

“ _ Family, we know sign.” _ Then he said “Yes, we all do. All of our family. Except for you, I mean. But you didn’t know. Wait, do you know Sign?”

“Not really. I used to know it. I had a Deaf neighbour and she taught me. We were really close, but then she moved on-campus to a Deaf school. That was years ago.”

Castiel nodded in understanding, “That makes sense. I am sure you will pick it up, again, quickly. Most of us, while Balthazar is around, sign while we speak. Then there’s Lucifer. He’s thirty and he’s really nice. We used to be really close. He is so special to me… And lastly, there is Michael. He doesn’t really get along with anybody. He’s thirty-two and works at Vanderbilt. He’s pretty mean, a lot of the time. And he’s rather rich, both literally and stereotypically.”

“Oh, okay.” Anna said, “What about our father? What’s he like?”

Castiel frowned ever so slightly, “I… Don’t really know. Apparently, he became withdrawn after Mother died. He’s always been there and made dinner and bought the things we needed, of course. But I got my emotional support from Gabriel and Balthazar. Then Raphael died and we hardly see him anymore…” He sighed.

“I’m sorry, Castiel. Once we get out of here, can I meet them?”

“They are your family too, Anna. I am sure they would love to meet you.” He said. Then, the nurse told them (and everyone else in the room— _ whoa when did that happen? _ ) to line up in lines of female and male for breakfast.

Once they were lined up, they were led past two doors that a nurse had to unlock to the cafeteria.

They each got their two pancakes, hashbrowns, and fruit and sat down. What Castiel and Anna didn’t notice, however, was that everyone else had grabbed a drink, butter, syrup, and a spork. A nurse came up to them and told them where to find them, and they both got up to get those items.

Breakfast was okay, but lonely for Castiel; he was used to either silent breakfasts, or someone talking directly to him. He had neither, as Anna was busy eating. And, of course, she didn’t remember how to sign, so she couldn’t sign while she ate like him and whoever he was eating with would do. He sighed and ate, wondering what his family was up to.

Nine

Gabriel opened his eyes slowly, “Yeah Dean-o?”

“Oh thank goodness, you’re okay. How do you feel?” Dean asked anxiously.

Gabriel raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘are you stupid?’ and responded, “High. Can you leave me alone to bask in the bliss that is being high, please?”

“No, Gabriel. What the fuck is going on?”

“Seriously, man, let me enjoy my high.” His eyes slipped closed again and he fell back asleep.

__

Once they finished breakfast, they were sent to their rooms to shower. Castiel insisted that Anna shower first. Anna shrugged and got into the shower.

When she got out, Castiel went in. Castiel took his time lathering up his body with the crappy soap in the hand soap dispenser. He definitely enjoyed it. When he came out all dry and dressed, Anna was on her side in her bed, shaking.

Castiel ran to her side and laid a hand gently on her shoulder, “Anna? Are you okay?”

Anna nodded slowly, “W-Withdrawals.”

Castiel’s eyes widened, “Anna, withdrawals from  **what** ?”

“Heroin. I overdosed. That’s why I am here.” She said bluntly, groaning and rolling over onto her back, “The pain is so bad, Castiel. Why did I ever start shooting?”

“I do not know, why don’t you tell me?” He suggested gently.

“I dunno… I was, eh, thirteen or so. Someone told me to try it. I did and couldn’t stop… Then the other day I O.D.’d. I was saved but this withdrawal stuff is awful. I feel so sick and I just—“ She jumped up and ran to the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet.

Castiel followed her and rubbed her back in gentle circles, “It’ll be over soon. You can make it through this. It’ll be so worth it, Anna.”

“I know, but—“ She vomited again. When she was done, she continued, “There is so much pain. In my muscles and my joints. It hurts, Cas, it hurts so bad.”

“I do not doubt it. Do you want me to get a nurse?”

“No, I’m fine. Just please help me back into my bed.” Castiel nodded and helped her back to her bed then went back and flushed the toilet.

He sat carefully on her bed and wiped the sweat off her face while she groaned and flexed her painful muscles.

“Would you like me to massage them?” he asked gently, and she nodded. He began carefully rubbing the most tense muscles.

After some time, a nurse came in and asked them to join everyone else in the main room for free time. Castiel quietly explained the situation to the nurse and she left for ice packs to help with Anna’s fever. She came back with it and Castiel gently set it on her forehead and she smiled weakly.

“Thanks, Brother.”

“It is not a problem. Get some rest.” He said, and she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

__

When Gabriel woke up, Dean was in a chair at his side. Gabriel sighed and sat up slowly.

“Afternoon, Gabe.” He said in way of greeting.

Gabriel waved slightly, “Hey.”

“So. Heroin.” 

“What about it?”

“You do it.” Dean stated.

“I do. What of it?”

“You need to stop.”

Gabriel sighed, “I know. I’ve tried. The withdrawal sucks so badly that I just keep shooting up. I didn’t have any other choice.”

“Well you’re stopping now, do you understand?”

“I understand what you’re saying, but I do not agree. I can’t. It’s a part of my life and has been for the last three years.”

“You are going to die if you keep this up. There is no way Cas can survive your death. No way. Not now and not for a long while. You need to man up. Be an example to Cas. He needs support and without you he will not su-survive.” Dean blinked away his tears.

Gabriel’s eyes widened, “Okay, I’ll try.” 

“Good.” Dean said, “Good.”

“Can you leave me alone now?” Gabriel asked, “You got your answer and I’m still tired.”

“Yeah, yeah sure. I’ll leave. No more drugs, okay? Cas needs you. I’ll be just downstairs. Holler if you need me.” Dean stood up, unlocked the deadbolt, and walked out the door.

When Dean got downstairs, all he heard was rapid breathing. His brother’s wheelchair was empty in the living room. Dean followed the breathing to the kitchen, where he saw his brother in between the table and the counter on the floor.

“Sam! Are you okay?” Dean’s knees hit the floor next to Sam’s torso.

There were tears streaming down Sam’s face and his face was bright red as he struggled to breathe.

“Sam, come on. Listen to my voice.” He said slowly, “Everything is okay. You will be okay. You are safe. I am here. Dean is here, right here. Look at me.” Sam opened his eyes and looked at Dean.

“There we go. Can I pick you up?” Sam gave him a slight nod, and Dean picked his little brother up. He took Sam back to his wheelchair and took him back to the table.

“So, Sam. What was that about?” Dean asked as he sat down.

“ _ P.T., walk with help. Thought maybe walk here… True, but… only four steps. Fell.” _

“Why would you try to walk that far?”

_ “Want you proud me. Fail. Sorry Dean.” _

“No, you’re wrong you stupid oaf. I am  **so** proud of you! You’ve overcome so much! You are so good. You never have to prove yourself to me. Your grades are twice as good as mine, you are working on relearning how to walk, and soon you’ll be relearning how to speak. I’ll always be proud of you. Now, what did you go to the kitchen to do?”

_ “Sandwich make. Hungry.” _

“Alright then. I’ll get the stuff out and you can sit in your chair and try to make it yourself.”

Sam nodded and Dean brought back bread, salami, mustard, and a butter knife. Sam struggled but managed to make the sandwich after several excruciating minutes.

He grinned up at Dean in triumph as he took the first bite of his sandwich. Sam slowly ate his sandwich and grinned throughout his eating it.  Then, Dean got a bad feeling deep in the pit of his stomach. He told Sam to stay there and  _ not fucking move. _

Dean ran up the stairs and tried to open Gabe’s bedroom. Except it was locked, so he couldn’t. 

“Gabe, open up! I mean it!” When there was no sound whatsoever from beyond the door, Dean cursed and followed his path from earlier to get into Gabriel’s room. Gabriel had a syringe in his arm, half-empty, and a spoon and lighter on his end table.

“Shit!” Dean rushed over and checked Gabriel’s pulse. He waited over a minute, and there was no pulse. He whipped out his cell phone and called 911.

When a man on the other end answered, Dean said, “My friend’s brother isn’t breathing. I think he O.D.’d on heroin…there’s a syringe in his arm.”

The operator sent an ambulance to him and instructed him to pull the syringe out. He did. Everything was a blur from there. He rushed downstairs to let the paramedics in. They lifted Gabriel onto a gurney and away, performing CPR and pushing air into his lungs

The ambulance disappeared down the road, and Dean fell onto his knees at the door. Sam wheeled himself over to Dean and snapped. Dean did not move his head. He did not move. Sam continued to snap until his fingers got tired. He sighed and watched his brother.

Dean breathed shallowly and completely lost himself.

The next thing he knew, G.W. was in the doorway picking him up. And then he was suddenly in Cas’ bed. It was dark, he noted in the back of his mind.

G.W. was talking to Sam, “What happened?”

_ “Not know. Hospital car here, Gabriel they take. C-P-R, force air breathe… Not know.” _

“Alright. I’ll tell Lucifer to come home. I don’t know where Michael went, but Lucifer will help. Once he’s here, I’ll go to the hospital.”

Sam nodded, and twenty minutes later, Lucifer arrived. He was told to keep an eye on Dean and Sam and immediately walked out of the door.

Balthazar was in the hotel talking to his friend when he received a text that told him to get to the house immediately. He decided to bring his friend along.

Michael was watching PBS (a show on knitting) when he received a text demanding him home immediately, no questions asked. He went.

__   
  
Balthazar and his friend were the last to arrive. When they walked in, Lucifer frowned at the strange addition to their group, but ignored it for the time being.

_ “Gabriel go-to hospital. Waiting news.” _ Balthazar nodded his thanks and took a seat in the dining room. He gestured for his friend to follow him in and take a seat.

Lucifer came into the room,  _ “Who that?” _

_ “C-H-A-R-L-I-E. Charlie  _ (computer).  _ Lesbian. Parents kick-out her. Alone. Asked accompany-me home. Thought ready you meet her. Sorry, Brother.” _

_ “Fine. Past I go-to Gabriel his room. Saw syringe. Spoon. Lighter. Think heroin O.D.” _

_ “Shit. Awful. He okay?” _

_ “Don’t know. Charlie, want eat? Drink?” _

_ “No. Thank you.”  _ Charlie turned back to book, “The Hobbit.”

A cell phone that began to trill in the background, and Lucifer dashed to find the phone that was ringing. The phone that was ringing was underneath a couch cushion and Lucifer hit accept.

“Hello? Yes, yes, we’ll be here. You… What? I… Oh, okay. I look forward to it. When will you be here? Okay. Tea? What kind? Got it. I love you too Father. Goodbye.” Lucifer hung up the phone and turned to Balthazar and Charlie, “ _ Dad here soon. Tea you make please. Chamomile.” _

“Michael, Sam, Dad will be here with Cas soon. He needs to give the news on what’s going on to all of us. I am going to see if I can get Dean around.” Lucifer walked up the stairs and entered Castiel’s room. Dean was staring at the ceiling.

“Dean, can you hear me?” There was no response or even an eyelash flutter. He just continued to stare at the ceiling. Lucifer checked Dean’s pulse. It was strong and consistent. He supposed Dean could wait until the news was shared, so he turned the light off in Cas’ room and walked downstairs to rejoin his family’s awkward silence.

Ten

G.W. walked into the house and everybody’s head shot up. Behind him was Castiel, who was looking worse for wear, and behind him a red-haired girl who was incredibly thin and shaking. Castiel was holding her thin arm gently.

“This is Anna Novak. Our little sister.” Castiel spoke while he signed, “Anna, this is Michael, the oldest. And Balthazar, Lucifer, and Dean’s little brother Sam. Where is Dean?”

_ “Upstairs. He wrong. Not know. Worry later. Gabriel okay?”  _ Sam signed.

Anna scrunched her eyebrows up and looked to Castiel, who interpreted. Anna nodded.

Balthazar waved his hand to get Castiel’s attention before signing, “ _ Her name C-H-A-R-L-I-E. Charlie.” _ Castiel nodded and turned to Anna to interpret, but she appeared to understand it and was signing a hello to “ _ Charlie” _ .

“Okay.” G.W. got everyone’s attention as he spoke and signed, “Gabriel… He… Died.” G.W.’s head hung and his shoulders shook.

“HOW?” Lucifer screamed, visibly upset with his shoulders shaking and his hands clenched into white-knuckled fists, eyes glassy.

“Heroin. He overdosed.” G.W. said and promptly went to his room, letting his family fend for themselves.

They all looked at each other, stunned. Balthazar was sobbing loudly and grossly, and he ran up to his room. His door slammed shut.

Sam was half-signing things, Lucifer had his head hung between his legs and his whole body was shaking with silent sobs, and Anna just sank to the floor muttering “I never even met him…”

Castiel dashed up to his room. He needed to see Dean. He opened his door and turned the light on. Dean was laid on his bed and his eyes were open, but unmoving. Castiel rushed over to his boyfriend and shook him. He was oddly pliable, but he was not responding.

“Dean? Dean, come on. I need you. Please, Dean. I… I need you.” Dean didn’t move except for breathing.

Castiel sighed and grabbed  _ Scars  _ by Cheryl Rainfield off his bookshelf and took it to the bathroom with him.

************************************************

He sat on the toilet lid after he closed and locked the door. He flipped open the book and through the pages until he found what he was looking for. His blade. He set the book on the side of the sink and pulled his pants down. 

Castiel took a deep breath and pressed the blade into his skin without pulling it across, to remind himself that this wasn’t dangerous, and that it was a good thing to do to himself. He smiled and dragged the blade across his skin quickly. It took a moment, but the blood bubbled up.

He made another cut. And another. One for every moment that Gabriel would not be able to live. It was because of him that his brother was dead. His fault. Who else’s fault would it be? Just him, Castiel. Castiel had to go and fuck up and land himself in the fucking hospital and hurt his brother. His brother died because of him.

He zoned out, and when he focused again, he was incredibly lightheaded. He looked down at his leg. He normally didn’t bleed much; he didn’t go deep enough to be dangerous. But there were so many cuts. He counted them, and counted 76. There was so much blood… There was actually a small puddle on the floor. 

Castiel decided on one more cut, and thought for a few minutes where it should be, when he decided to do it vertically. It couldn’t hurt, right? I mean, not more than any other cuts. He started near his knee and dragged the blade vertically towards his pelvis. There was a lot of blood. He cursed and grabbed a bandage and wrapped it up.

Blood soaked through very quickly. He pulled his pants back up, tucked his blade back in the book, and grabbed a wad of toilet paper. He sopped up the puddle and tossed the used paper in the toilet and flushed. He washed his hands and went to his room, where he laid down next to Dean.

****************************************

After Castiel went upstairs, Michael left the house, Lucifer went to his room, Balthazar went to his room, and Sam went into the kitchen. Charlie got up and sat next to Anna and tapped her shoulder.

_ “You okay?” _

Anna snorted,  _ “My brother dead. Yes. Fine.”  _ She rolled her eyes.

_ “Understand. Awful.  _ **_But_ ** _ he heaven now. Up. Good, right?” _

Anna nodded,  _ “Never met him.” _

_ “Why not?”  _ Charlie asked, confused.

_ “My dad? Past he sex with Mom. One time. He not matter. Mom, me, alone. Not Dad.” _

_ “Why you not meet Gabriel?” _

Anna shrugged,  _ “Mom not want, maybe? Not know.” _

_ “Oh I see. Sorry.” _

_ “You here why?”  _ Anna signed shyly.

_ “My family? Force me more out. Why? I lesbian.” _

_ “ _ **_Sorry_ ** _ Charlie. We similar. I lesbian.”  _ Anna admitted.

“ _ True? Wow. You cute.”  _ Charlie winked.

_ “Thanks but you? Beautiful.” _

Charlie’s face went as red as her hair. Her hands twitched, but nothing intelligible was signed.

_ “Age you?” _

_ “Age eighteen. You?” _

_ “Almost age seventeen. Thought you college year three?” _

_ “Right. Past graduate early.” _

_ “Oh I see. So. Know time bad because my brother dead… But date. Us?”  _ Anna signed with her hands close to her body.

Charlie nodded her head and hand enthusiastically,  _ “Please, yes. Please.” _

Anna smiled and Charlie took her hand gently.

__

Balthazar texted Zeke to skype him. Less than a minute after the text sent, Balthazar’s laptop had an incoming call from Zeke.

He accepted the call and Zeke was on the other end without a shirt on.

_ “Wrong?” _

Balthazar nodded, “ _ Yes. Remember my brother Gabriel?”  _ He waited until Zeke nodded,  _ “Dead. Heroin O-D.” _

_ “I help you?” _

_ “Try. Please. Two brothers dead. Hurts.  _ **_But_ ** _ have sister. Name A-N-N-A. Gabriel dead, Zeke! Help me, please… Can’t… Hard continue live. Must, I know, but hard.” _

_ “Want me fly meet you?” _

_ “Please. Need help.” _

Zeke stood up and put a shirt on,  _ “Future text you plane land. I love you.” _

_ “I love you.” _ Zeke hung up.

_ __ _

It was midnight. Castiel was asleep next to Dean, who had fallen asleep. 

Castiel’s bedroom door creaked softly open and he immediately woke up with his heart pounding and his palms sweating.

“Please, no.” He whimpered as Michael approached. Castiel began to shake uncontrollably.

“Please, Michael, please, I’ve done no wrong. Leave me alone. Please, I beg of you.”

Michael simply approached, smelling of stale smoke. He yanked Castiel out of bed.

“You’re a gay whore, Kafsiel. You changed your name. You tried to get away from me. And now, you’re begging me. You deserve nothing but the worst I have to offer. If only I could rip your wings out. Take your shirt off, Kaffie.”

Castiel immediately stripped himself of his shirt. Michael took out a beautiful silver sword. It was the one he always used. He pressed the tip of the blade to Castiel’s sternum and pressed just hard enough to break the skin. He dragged the blade downwards and stopped at Cas’ navel. 

“You deserve this, faggot. You will burn in Hell but until I can put you there, I’ll just have to punish you myself.” He pulled his belt out of his pants and slapped it across Castiel’s back. On the third strike, Michael was ploughed over.

He lashed out at Castiel and whipped his belt across his face… Except it wasn’t Castiel. It was Dean. 

Dean took hold of the belt and wrapped it around Michael’s wrists. Then, he went to the window, opened it, and shoved Michael through it. He closed and locked the window, then closed and locked Castiel’s bedroom door.

Dean pulled his first aid kit from his duffel. He pulled out a flask, dental floss, and a sewing needle. He dumped what was in the flask on Castiel’s cut and then promptly began sewing part of it up. There was only a small part that needed stitching. Castiel ended up with a total of nine stitches. 

When he was done, he wrapped Castiel up in gauze as gently as he could. Then, he put the kit away and curled protectively around Castiel. Dean rubbed soothing circles against Castiel’s side and kissed his back tenderly, though it hurt to move his face.

The lovers fell asleep like that.

Eleven

Castiel woke up with Dean’s arms still wrapped protectively around him. He turned around to face Dean, whose eyes were open. Well, one eye was. The other was swelled shut. Castiel frowned and gently ran his fingers over the bruised parts of Dean’s face. The belt got his eyebrow, eye, nose, mouth, and cheek. It looked incredibly painful.

Dean nuzzled into Cas’ hand.

“It’s okay, Dean. I’m here.” He soothed gently.

Dean grasped Castiel’s hand and squeezed it tightly.

“I love you too, Dean. It’s okay. I’m okay. What’s wrong? Why won’t you talk to me?”

Dean sighed and looked away, ashamed. This hadn’t happened since he was little, this inability to talk. It happened after his mother died. 

“You were the one who found Gabriel, right?” Castiel asked gently as a tear slipped down his cheek. Dean lifted his free hand up and wiped it away. Dean nodded.

“I’m so, so sorry Dean. It’s all my fault and-“ Dean shook his head and placed his index finger on Cas’ lips.

Dean pulled Castiel closer to him and burrowed his nose into Castiel’s neck. He needed to be reassured that Castiel was real and here. As soon as he thought about that, he jerked his head back and pointed to Castiel’s stomach with a questioning look on his face.

Castiel looked away, ashamed. Dean pleaded with the best puppy dog eyes he could manage.

“Dean, please. You’ll be so ashamed and you’ll leave and…” Dean shook his head with a half-smile decorating his face.

“Fine.” Castiel pulled his pants down to his knees to show Dean his shredded thighs. Castiel had lost count after one hundred cuts.

Dean frowned and gently ran his fingers over the cuts. He continued to gently feel them as he looked up to Cas questioningly.

“It’s my fault my brother died. I needed to be punished. And I couldn’t help you. You wouldn’t do anything except stare into space. I was so scared and… It was all my fault. I needed to be punished.”

Dean shook his head and carefully kissed the cuts on his boyfriend’s thighs.

There was a knock on the door. Dean jumped up with a gun in his hand and carefully opened the door, gun aimed to the person behind the door.

“Fuck, Dean, what are you doing?” Lucifer exclaimed, raising his hands in surrender. Dean rolled his eyes and put his gun in the back of his pants. He raised a single to finger to indicate him to wait a minute. 

Once Castiel’s pants were pulled back up, Dean opened the door fully.

“I’m glad to see you’re feeling better, Dean. How is Castiel?” 

Dean half-shrugged.

“And you, Dean? How are you?” Dean flashed a fake smile.

“What’s wrong with him?” Lucifer asked Castiel.

Dean crossed his arms angrily and glared at the man in front of him.

Castiel, being behind Dean, signed  _ “Shock from past find Gabe I think.” _

Lucifer nodded lightly so that Dean wouldn’t notice and told them, “Breakfast.”

They walked hand in hand downstairs to the dining room.

Anna and Charlie were holding hands underneath the table, Lucifer was at the head of the table, Balthazar was next to him with his fiancé, holding hands, Sam was next to them, and Michael was next to him. Dean immediately pulled out the pearl-handled gun from the back of his pants, switched off the safety, and aimed to Michael’s head.

“Dean!” Castiel hissed quietly, hoping nobody would notice. However, everyone did. Everyone but Michael gasped and froze. Michael smiled mischievously. 

“Dean Henry Winchester you put that damn gun down or so help me…” Bobby growled from behind him.

Dean jumped but kept his gun aimed at Michael’s head as he shook his own.

“You cannot go to jail Dean. Your father is there. Why do you want this man’s life so badly?”

He lowered his gun and turned to face Bobby. When Bobby saw his face he gasped. Dean pointed to his face then to Castiel and then to Michael. 

“Really?” Bobby growled and pulled his own gun out of one of the huge pockets in his pants and aimed it to Michael’s head.

“Whoa, Old Man, what the hell’re you doing?” Michael exclaimed nervously.

“You don’t beat on anyone, Boy. Especially not on family.”

“Excuse me, Sir,” Castiel said softly, “But how did you know all that from Dean pointing?”

“I speak silent!Dean-ese. When I first met him, he didn’t speak, did you?”

Dean shook his head, smiling softly.

“Now,” Bobby continued, “Who has been abused by this man?” Castiel interpreted for the Deaf folks.

Dean, Castiel, Balthazar, and Lucifer raised their hands. Balthazar spoke up,  _ “Raphael too.” _

Castiel gasped and told Bobby what Balthazar had said. Then, Lucifer spoke up, “I walked in on him whipping Gabriel once…” Lucifer looked away full of shame.

“All… of… your… BROTHERS?” Bobby screamed.

“They’re all worthless so why wouldn’t I?” Michael shrugged.

Bobby put the gun back into his pocket and grabbed Michael’s wrist tightly, “We’re going to go have a talk. I’ll be back soon.”

They nodded as Bobby left with Michael. He tied Michael to the passenger seat and got in the driver’s side. He took out his phone and called Rufus.

Once his friend picked up, he said, “I have a body that needs disposing of. Will you help me?”

Michael flinched and tried to get out of his binds but could not. He was panicking and thrashing against his restraints.

Bobby hung up the phone and drove to Rufus’ house. The drive was two hours long and when they got there, Rufus had already dug a grave seven feet deep. He asked Bobby to get his latter so he could get out.

“So, where’s this body of yours?” Rufus asked gruffly, “And where’s my whiskey?”

Bobby smiled and went to his car and pulled a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue out of his trunk and handed it to Rufus, who smiled.

Bobby went to the passenger seat and hauled Michael out. Michael started yelling at Rufus to help him.

“You have a live one, Bobby. What’s he?”

“Not sure.” He shrugged, “But he beat his brothers and Dean.”

Rufus nodded as Bobby raised the gun and shot Michael in the forehead.

Michael blinked angrily as the hole the bullet left in his head glowed white-blue and healed up.

“Balls!” Bobby exclaimed, “I was hoping I was wrong.” He sighed and took a beautiful silver blade out of his pants. Michael gasped and backed up, “No, no no no no, please, Robert, I meant nothing by it.”

“No second chances here,  **Michael.** I don’t care how high up you are in the hierarchy. You treat your family with love and respect.” He leapt towards Michael and stabbed his sternum. Michael’s eyes and mouth glowed white-blue as he burned and died. His body fell backwards into the grave Rufus had dug.

Bobby jumped down into the grave and pulled the chain with carved Enochian in it off of Michael’s body and then got out of the grave. Rufus and Bobby buried the body.

The two of them shared the bottle of Johnny Walker Blue. Rufus invited him to stay the night, but Bobby declined; he needed to be there to help Dean and his family out. 

So, Bobby walked back to his car and got in and began the two hour drive back to Pontiac.

Twelve

On the drive back to the Novak house, Bobby began to fret. He had just killed a freaking angel of the Lord. A legitimate one. Papa was bound to be pissed about that. Could Bobby survive the wrath of such a powerful being? He needed to help Dean through this time, though. Sam couldn’t, not in his position. So he drove back to Pontiac and bought six combo meals at a local fast food joint.

Bobby opened the door to the Novak house and shouted, “Dinner!” Everyone came downstairs to eat. 

“So where’s your father?” Bobby asked gently.

“He is in his room, sir. Shall I get him?” Lucifer asked. Bobby agreed that he should be retrieved.

Once G.W. entered the room, Bobby was thrown against the wall by some invisible force.

“How dare you kill my boy?” G.W. screamed. Lightning cracked outside and rain was pouring down.

Bobby flinched and tried to get away, but he couldn’t, “Michael was abusing all of your other sons. And Dean. Something had to be done.”

“How did you know he was an angel?” the glare the man before him gave was terrifying, and lightning cracked in front of the house.

“I walked by Gabriel’s door one night when you were grooming his feathers. If one of your sons is an angel, shouldn’t all of them? Even if not, the sword would have killed him.”

“You… Saw me grooming my son’s feathers and said nothing?” G.W. was confused. He had thought the hunter would jump at the opportunity to kill anything not natural (even though they were natural, thank you very much).

“I didn’t see a reason why. If you were doing nothing wrong, then why bring it up? I was not going to harm your family until it was uncovered that Michael was hurting your other sons. I needed to do something. With all due respect, G.W., could you please let me down?”

G.W. warily let Bobby down and then asked, “Where did you get an angel sword, Robert? They are beyond rare.”

“I bought it from another Hunter in Michigan. He came across it at some point. It’s from a Gregori, correct? And they were extinguished?”

“You are correct, Robert. If you go anywhere near my other children I will kill you.”

“Of course. Would you like some dinner?” Bobby picked one of the bags of food off the ground. It was tense around the table. Everyone was tense with the knowledge that Bobby killed not only a son and a sibling… But an angel. An archangel, at that.

“Father, am I an angel?” Castiel asked softly.

G.W. raised his head and smiled tenderly at Castiel, “Yes, my son, you are. As are you, Anna.”

“Why were we not told?” Castiel’s blue eyes raised to meet his father’s grey eyes.

“I don’t tell my children they are angels until they are twenty, usually. That is when it becomes obvious that they are not human.”

"If we are angels, then how did Raphael die?” Cas yelled, standing up angrily, “And Gabe?”

G.W. sighed softly and looked down, “Raphael, he… Took an angel blade to himself. And Gabriel could not have overdosed… But he did. I do not understand it, but… He did.”

“H-how could you let him do that, Father?” Castiel asked, tears beginning to drip down his face.

“I didn’t know they were going to, Castiel. They did not tell me, and I didn’t know until it was too late. Your brother… Raphael… He… He left you a note.”

“And you waited,” Castiel sniffed, “this long to tell me? How dare you! Show me it, now!” He yelled, advancing towards his father.

G.W. nodded and turned towards his study. He grabbed a book from his shelf and pulled a sheaf of paper from it. He handed it to Castiel.

 

_ Castiel- _

_ By the time you read this, you will know that you are an angel. I am praying to Father that you don’t end up like me… But I fear you will. I fear that you will cut yourself, want to kill yourself, do anything so you don’t have to be yourself. I know that’s how I am. I couldn’t understand why when I slit up my wrists that I didn’t die… I should have. But I am an angel. Angels cannot die by normal means. I am a filthy angel. I am disgusting and ugly and I don’t deserve to have been born in the first place. I realise this very much, Brother. I hope that you do not feel the way I do… But I have felt like this for a very long time. I began to cut to relieve my pain. Deeper and deeper I went. Until I should have bled out. But I didn’t. Then I began more drastic measures. Eventually, at seventeen, I gave up on that. Then when I was twenty, Father told me of my “legacy” or what have you. He told me what an honour it was to raise me and watch me grow into the strong young man I am today… He didn’t know I’d been cutting. He didn’t know of all my failed suicide attempts. Then, He pulled my wings out. They were deep, bloody red. But there was no blood on my wings, no. They were just awful, ugly, evil wings. Father said I was special. I agree, but not in the way He intended it. Finally, four years later, I’ve gotten up the courage to do what no angel before has done: kill myself. I hold the angel blade in my hand, and let it glint in the sunlight. It is so beautiful, Castiel. It is a good thing that I am ridding myself of the universe with such a beautiful object. Before I go through with it though, I need you to promise me something. You need to promise me you won’t kill yourself. I can’t have that, Little Brother. I love you. You cannot do that to yourself or to the world. You will do great things in your life. Use your time well. I hope you all the best, Castiel. Stay safe, and always keep fighting. Never give up. _

_ Raphael _

 

Castiel’s tears dripped onto the paper he was holding, and he fell back against the wall. He just stared at the paper in front of him, with his brother’s final words to him upon it. He didn’t know how he could live after reading that. How could anyone?

 

 

 

Cas’ (18) family:  Mom (died shortly after Cas was born because of a vampire), Dad, Gabriel (25), Lucifer (30),  Michael (32), Balthazar (27 Deaf since birth), and  Raphael (24) (dead. Drove while drunk, crashed.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be all of my notes for the fic. I don't know if it will help tie up any loose ends, but. I hope so. :/


	9. TLC/NB Notes

TLC Plotlines 

 

  * The supernatural—train Cas? 
  * Castiel self-harm (diagnoses: depression, anxiety) 
  * Dean promised to just be there for Cas 
  * Past three boyfriends left Cas when they found how he self-harms 
  * Orthodox Jews 
  * Who is his mother 
  * Michael backstory—douchebaggery 
  * Dean and Sam pranking 
  * What caused Raphael’s self-harm and suicide? (maybe find note?) 
  * John Winchester 
  * Brady’s family??? 
  * Proof of supernatural (for Cas) 
  * Alcohol prevalent in Novak house 
  * John pissed at Dean for telling Cas 
  * The car Sam stole??? 
  * G.W.’s past 
  * Boyfriend #1 found out about self-harm when sex (no prep or lube) 
  * Gabe’s photo album of Destiel 


  * Bobby keeps coffee mug in pants? 
  * Demon loved Sam 
  * Sam’s recovery 
  * Dean knows how to help anxiety because of Sam 
  * Balthazar and Zeke 
  * Veronica needs help 
  * Caroline wants a tutor 



 

Notes: 

  * Ch. 2: What car did Dean drive? 
  * Cas has been cutting for four years 
  * Gabe: eat more pears 
  * Gabe=prankster 
  * Cas close to Gabe, Luci, Raphael 
  * Cas loves pomegranates 
  * Gabe cause of big scar on Cas’ stomach 
  * Cas hid blades in books 
  * Zezar on ring 



 

TLC: Total of 37 days 

New Beginnings:   
 

-Michael is abusive dickwad 

-Dean gets pregnant. Figure out a way for it to be a thing. Soulxgrace merging maybe? 

 

Plan for story: Sam recovers like Julie did. Gabe gets a lot of his money by selling himself. Gets caught when a john happens to be a cop or w/e. Anna is a younger sister; G.W. had a rebound and got someone pregnant. Gabe does, idk, heroin? Luci uses BDSM to get his high. Charlie is Deaf and her parents kicked her out when she came out, so Balthazar brought her home for Spring Break, but with the drama, he asked her to stay at a motel (that he paid for). Anna meets Charlie (18) and they get together. John gets out on bail. Gabriel “dies” but doesn’t actually because he’s a motherfucking Angel of da Lawd. Comes back later in fic. A doppleganger thingy is what “dies” like in Mystery Spot and the other one where they thought it was the anti-claus or whatever. Cas puts his issues aside (not the self-harming but the suicidal shit) to deal with Dean and his problems (his muteness and anxiety attacks). End: God erases memories and John is released, G.W. goes of to Tahiti, Gabe is no where to be found, rest of angels back to heaven, and Sam and Dean with John. Does heaven have a mental ward? 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. I'm sorry if that didn't help clear things up. 
> 
> I'm always taking prompts over at [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/ryanthedemiboy).

**Author's Note:**

> I will post the next chapter on Monday or Tuesday. Hopefully I'll get a few more chapters written. This will definitely be a fun one! ;D


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